I had lined up a post about Thai food in America, and the status of Lotus of Siam, but that seems all a bit inopportune now, since Magic Restroom got blown the hell out in the last 36 hours.

O Hai, Times Magazine blog, HuffPo, Gadling, Daily Mail, Laughing Squid, and.. WTF, JEZEBEL???

Some questioned the translation of the menu. Here’s a copy of the menu shot Elizabeth Daniel Photography:

Magic Restroom Cafe Menu

< I'm using this without her permission -- Eliz, if you invoice me, I will take it down, and buy you a proper meal, but not at Magic Restroom Cafe >

The menu items translation in question at Magic Restroom Cafe are: Magic curry rice and stewed pork rice under “Magic Restroom Cafe” column, “noodle with soy bean paste”, “vanilla ice cream” under dessert column.

I translated the items as follows:
Magic curry rice
招牌 Signboard (signature)
黃金 gold (golden)
便便 poop
飯 rice
ie, “golden poop” rice.

Stewed pork rice
便 shit
香 punget
控肉 braised pork
饭 rice
“smells-like-poop” braised pork rice.

Noodle with soy bean
便秘 Constipation
麵 Noodle
Now gone viral as “constipation” (zha jiang mian)

“Vanilla ice cream”
血 bloody
便 shit
二號 number two
which was redundant, because that reads: bloody shit poop, hence it was shortened to “bloody number two” (there’s strawberry and strawberry sauce on the vanilla ice cream). The Chocolate icea cream sundae looked WAY worse.

Eater La Magic Restroom Cafe

I don’t give a flying cowpie the printed English meun is tame. That wouldn’t have gotten the Eater LA post EIGHTEEN THOUSAND facebook likes. The Chinese menu is what it is. I transliterated it, albeit with some creative license, to shock and awe the dingbats across America who don’t know any better. I stand by these translations, I welcome any Taiwaneser to come up with funnier/more interesting, more scatological punnier translations, and wonder why any person with elementary Chinese comprehension would challenge these very basic translations when the Chinese menu is RIGHT THERE. Or are we refusing to recognize other languages in America now? Last I checked, USA’s federally recognized official language is.. nothing.

Regardless, it is my belief not 1% of the those 18,000 people care. And I would like to move on to talk about the fantastic grub that truly representatives LA, instead of this reverse a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shanzhai”>shanzai‘d shtick which may be shut down by Taiwan any time.

============================

Also, Alison Gold’s I Love Chinese Food is NOT the worst thing ever. From a personal encounter with a blond German chick during college — Jennifer Norris, please still call me — a semi-cute tweeny chick, all JUDEO and shit, this the BEST THING TO HAPPEN to Chinese anything, ever. I tried and tried to get down with Ms. Norris for a year. One night, after biochem lecture, I asked if she wanted to grab some Chinese food (at China Gate, natch), and she casually answered: “I don’t like Chinese food, I’d rather have McDonald’s”. Mind you, she said this without a hint of irony (I understand Germans never got “irony“), without a hint of sarcasm. This hussy literally preferred McDonald’s over Chinese food. Granted, this was in the 90s, and in the 90s, college chicks weren’t making school decisions on whether the dorms served foie gras and what not. Still, long-haired Jenn crushed me. I mean, I still wanted to see what a Mid-Western blond chick was all about (in bed), but all my friends knew she was no marriage material.

Now, twenty years laters, this tweeny Alison Gold comes out and declared her love for Chinese food? I’ve waited half of my life for this. Other Chinese pedophiles probably waited a third of their lives for this. And, as a Judeophile, Alison Gold(man?) is the perfect tween to rock this absurd troll music. She’s cute in a uncomfortable, pre-Britney kind of way. Give her five years and she’ll be replacing Miley. Rebecca Black just didn’t do it for the pedos the way Alison is. I’m all for this pre-teen exploitation of a JAP. AWESOME. Please make another video about how much you love Jet Li. I hear we’re about the same height.

Of note, Patrice, the wickedly evil producer, is the bomb. At 0:13, the fake Chinaman used “50 cc” instead of 2 ounces. Patrice, you’re our metric-loving hero.

Tomorrow, I will suggest a few dishes at Chengdu Taste to Alison, who must live in Los Angeles. How can Alison Gold eating Chinese food be a bad thing? Hey Tony, I got your new PR rep for your Chinese restaurant RIGHT HERE. In other news, India Aria has a new video, and it makes me want to peel off my skin and be reborn as an Iranian lesbian.

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