6 Hours in New York: Gimme! Coffee, Little Brown Chocolate, Marea

No one will ever be on this same itinerary, but if one had to spent all morning in Manhattan, and fly by the same (early) afternoon, this was a great eating itinerary, assuming you’re conducting business above 57th street.

gimme coffee cortado

Gimme Coffee.
I really enjoy their espresso blends. In fact, the stuff that “works” (by works, I mean stuff I’m able to extract, with my lowly espresso pulling skills) on my machinet are all out of towners: Grumpy and Verve. Of course a visit to a cafe was needed.

The location of Gimme is truly something I enjoy about Manhattan’s ludicrous zoning laws: it’s located in the middle of a serene (for Lower East Side), small 1 way street, full of mixed use walk-ups. Yes, I know Gimme! isn’t actually from New York, NY, but it’s from NY, and that’s close enough for this need. Of note, my espresso machine really enjoye working with Gimme! beans. I don’t know why this stubborn affection, but let’s just say the Pasquini has a mind of its own. Since then, I’ve been able to find Gimme! Coffee regularly at Broome Street General Store in LA’s Silver Lake area. It’s a extremely narrowly “curated” gift & sandwich shop with insame prices to boot. However, when it comes to coffee beans, the Gimme! is priced at $12/12 oz bag which makes it about 33% more affordable than anything coming out of Handsome or other premium roasters. So yes, I drink espresso roasted in Itasca, because I can.

Little Brown Chocolate

Little Brown Chocolate was a quick snack in between meetings that day. The hot chocolate was seriously delicious. Since 2011, Little Brown Chocolate, a really overpriced hot chocolate and brownie and cakes kind of joint, was apparently bought and sold to Koffeecakes Korner. It surely isn’t the same as the old hot chocolate based store, but Manhattan isn’t lacking in the random dessert/pastries shop department.

Marea lunch prix fixe meu

Marea lunch granchio

Marea.. O Marea.. I don’t know.. I had a miss connection with a fellow foodiot at Marea. She looked at me, I looked at her, we smiled, she ate her noodles, I ate my fish… she was solo, I was due for a flight in 3 hours… We could’ve shared a dessert at Marea. Instead, I was left wondering: what the hell is this chick’s story? Solo dining at Marea lunch prix fixe on a Thursday while completely under dressed, clearly from Columbia? OK, then.

Marea Petit fours

Beyond that little platonic interlude, the lunch prix fixe at Marea was just not as interestiing as the previous ones I’ve had at Jean George, or Bouley’s, but it was probably my own fault, since there are signature dishes that the staff pushed for, and I had either had an similar ingredients that week, or some of the dishes simply didn’t sound outright interesting. The granchio of blue crab bordered bland, but the pairing of a yogurt with crab morsels and dehydrated speck was interesting. Nonetheless, a nice little meal to say good bye to the city with, and to get back on the airplane with those lil chocolate bites.

Thanking Factory Kitchen for Quiet Cannoli

Downtown Los Angeles The Factory Kitchen

Factory Kitchen does not publicize its architecture firm. Compared to the other Downtown restaurant, Stocking Frame, that recently opened, Factory Kitchen’s interior is rather muted. It’s like Bestia, but not as reclaimy, not as woodsy, not as rustic glam. More importantly, however, it’s also not nearly as loud.

Granted, Bestia has far higher ceilings, but Factory Kitchen intentionally lined the entire ceiling with acoustic tiles. Can we get a (quiet) hallelujah??!? And a (whispered) A-men? I don’t want DTLA lofted restaurants to be as quiet as Patina or Providence. That’s not the point. But Baco Mercat is insanely loud, as is Bottega Louie, as is Bestia. Enough is enough. I know no one needs to actually talk to their hot dates across the table, but I would like to here myself chew, and hear the waiter announce today’s specials.

The Factory Kitchen Cannoli

For that, I thank you Factory Kitchen. Thank you for using some wood panels on the wall, to absorb the sound bouncing off the concrete floor. Also, thank for hiring Latino staff not wearing $100 aprons. $8 for 3 cannoli isn’t exactly affordable, but it’s market rate even compared to Frumento and Eagle Rock Italian Deli. Piece for piece, these might the second most banging dessert deals in LA after Maccheroni’s giant apple tart.

The only minor issue with the service is the massive amount of silverware supplied during the meal. There’s absolutely no reason to replenish forks and knives before every single course. For a 5 plate dinner, this is what ended up on the table. Trimming the cutlery would reduce cost just as effectively as not dropping benjamins on designer denin aprons:

The Factory Kitchen cutlery

The Factory Kitchen
The Factory Kitchen on Urbanspoon

Tacos al vapor at Tacos Estilo Guadalajara, In the Middle of nowhere, Lynwood, Downey

A friend who cruised the 5/60/10 junctions lamented the demise of Breed Street’s al vapor cart for nearly a year after the whole thing shut down thanks to annoying gaggle of food bloggers who insisted on “discovery” shit which fed innumerable Mexican families. Reality check: Breed St ran well and fine unless us fucktards hit it with a fag of SLRs.

Tacos estilo guadalajara Downey

Luckily, there were al vapor restaurants before the Breed Street scene, and there are al vapor restaurants after the Breed Street scene died. Tacos estilo Guadalajara happens to be a small outfit with two solid operations, the older of which is in Lynwood. Yes, THAT Lynwood. As corrupt as this city’s corrupt is, it’s difficult to believe Tacos estilo Guadalajara is still serving tacos, no matter how small, for one dollar and ten cents. They used to be a dollar when the second branch opened. The tacos have never been large, but I can always count on doing a flight of beefy head parts for < $4 out the door.

tacos estillo Guadalajara

There are a couple of al vapor joints in the (323) an (562) area codes, but Tacos estila Guadalajara has a killer habanero salsa that’s fit for a pepper eating contest. Usually, I like to go with the combination of cabeza cachete and labio. Sometimes, when I’m feeling rich, I’d go all out and spend an extra extra for a lengua taco. A couple of neighbors tell me they enjoy the labio the least, since it has almost zilch flavor. I tend to agree. Three “con todo” tacos here make me feel very obese, even if the corn tortillas are merely 4″ in diameter. No matter how I try, al vapor is just not my platonic ideal of eating beef. Everything comes out a bit mushy, all the parts comingle in flavor after three tacos.

Still, if and when one feels like a chopped taco steamed beef taco, Tacos Estilo Guadalajara, especially the newer Downey branch, is a clean, quick, and rather comforting offer. Unless you accidentally drown your place in the habanero salsa. Then you might hurt for hours. At least the signage in the salsa bar clearly warns you in plain English.

Also, check out the awesome bathroom keychain holder… Pretty sure Church and Key needs that.

Tacos Estilo Guadalajara
13121 Lakewood Blvd
Downey, CA 90242

Patina’s Paleo Menu

interior
Despite the fact that the “paleo” diet has been thoroughly thoroughly defeated by Christina Warinner at University of Zurich:

Patina’s “Paleo” menu is clearly a great interpretation of the three key points of Warinner Ted talk regarding the take-out of her paleo diet research: “eat a variety of species”, “eat fresh [seasonal] food”, “eat whole foods”.

Witness the Patina’s bread basket and nevermind the fact bread isn’t tolerated in the modern, trendy “paleo diet”: whole grains. Check.

Witness the the duck breast with duck chicharroes in the bottom right frame — “variety of species”, check.

paleo menu
Warinner also speaks of leaner animals that aren’t farmed and eating complete animals.

Beef tongue a la plancha, above middle-right, check. Read more…

Spinning Plates Opens Nationwide Today

SPINNING PLATES – THEATRICAL TRAILER from Spinning Plates on Vimeo.

While Chicago’s useless city rag Redeye gave the movie a horrendous review, the movie is clearly intended to serve as a study tool for 511“>USCCA 500-level class. Why must there be some contiguous and valid comparison between the three restaurants for the film to work? Why can’t Levy simply tell three stories that bear little relevance to each other?

Each substory stands alone on its own merits, the merit of portraying restaurant ownership, or, as the new-gen instagramming kiddies would say: “#cheflife“. Three distinct restaurants are covered: La Cocina de Gabby, Breitbach’s Country Dining, and Alinea. To summarize my reactions: Heart broken by Cocina de Gabby’s story, grossed out by Breitlach and everything that kitchen stands for, and Achatz’s segment is mostly a retelling of his book with some video food porn tossed in for good measure. The food porn (including the famous dessert table plating) is seen above.

I’ve been to another Iowan restaurant similar to Breitbach’s, though I never made it to Breitbach’s itself. Country Junction in Dyersville, IA is basically a younger, less busy, less famous version of Breitbach’s. They’re only about 30 minutes apart. From a post in 2006, it seems I barely enjoyed the place, despite its own root-beer bottled on the premises, and bottomly iced tea in mason jars. Breitbach’s reminds me of Country Junction; both are feeding the obesity and big agra crisis in Midwest America. They make me sick to my stomach, and down to my rectum, these days.

Cocina de Gabby, on the other hand, is what I celebrate daily in my Los Angeles grubbings. Cocina is Arizona’s Sarape, El Coraloense, and Rocio’s. They make the tastiest food that costs hardly anything. These ethnic dives, be it Mexican, or Vietnamese, or Thai, make LA (and in turn, America) great. That’s the real take-home story of Spinning Plates, not the Alinea food porn, not the huge portions of pork served in Iowa.

Four Pictorial Reasons Travel Writers Need to Stop Quoting Saveur on Lotus of Siam.

By degenerates, I mean farangs these listacles writers who can’t help but google for their content and inevitably end up at some quotation lifted from 2000.

That was 13 years ago. Pailin wasn’t famous then, Jitlada wasn’t owned by Jazz and Tui then. Cancoon was around, but it was only known to Thais.

Last year, Mr. Gold wrote another ode to LoS. I spoke of this pair of reviews when I took a cooking au pair from Bangkok to Vegas last month. She smiled, but asked why there’s is an elephant in the room when we walked in. The elephant looked something like this:

Yes sir, Lotus of Siam serves a lunch buffet. Pretty sure they didn’t catch a James Beard with the slop being dished from the steam trays:

Lotus of Siam lunch buffet

As recently as 2008, the behemoth of a wine room below didn’t exist. But back in ’07, there was already a sizeable (for a Thai restaurant) wine menu. And as the years wore on, this became more of a thorn in Lotus of Siam’s existance as far as I’m concerned. I keep asking: Why is this necessary? Well, for one, wine makes money at almost no cost except stock and space. It’s of little comfort the clear focus since 2008 for Lotus of Siam has been growing the wine profit. The wine cum Thai food model has been so success the “sommelier” — why doe a Thai Issan restaurant need a sommelier — has gone on to open his own Thai wine bar.

Lotus of Siam wine room

Number three: a celebrity photo wall. With nary a Thai person except the owner. Now, an astute fella would recognize the same git-up at another infamously famous Thai restaurant in Los Angeles, Jitlada. I don’t have a good retort except to say, the photo frames at Jitlada are strewn about haphazardously, as if an after thought. Here at LoS, the celebrity is methodical and annoying.
Lotus of Siam celebrity wall

Number four: the trophy wall. The praise keeps coming, and the restaurant keeps resting on the laurels. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle. There’s no need to maintain any sense of quality or old-world tastes when the US media keeps latching onto the same few sentences (and dishes) from 10 years ago. Instead of improving and bringing more Issan dishes, the nam prik ong literally tastes like pork bolognese now. It packed nearly NO heat, no taste of prik khing curry. This was a bowl of pure shame. And to quote the cooking au pair: “this doesn’t taste Thai.”.

P1010343-sm

The kaeng som was even a bigger bowl of depression. There’s hardly any tamarind, no funk from, no body. This place is a sham. Why do people keep going back?

Chengdu Taste’s Menu Keeps Getting Better

This is how a brand spanking new Sichuanese restaurant is going to last well beyond the typical one year “hot” period. Despite being reviewed and visited by J. Gold multiple times in the first four months of operations, Tony Xu hasn’t rested (in his bed or on the laurels).

He’s hustling the Chinese food geeks on Weibo, he’s trying to stay up with the tweets. He’s engaging the clientele by sending updated photos of their specials board which remains untranslated, and he’s creating (or recreating) dishes of Sichuaner’s favorites as suggested by Weiboers. The effort is real, and it is unrivaled by any other Chinese restaurant in LA.

Here are two from the new-ish specials board which is shown below as posted on Chef Xu’s weibo:

Chengdu Taste Specials Mennu October

A brief translation:
1. Lion (mane) fish
2. “mao” duck — duck hot pot (the “mao” series of dishes are some of my favorites)
3. House flavor “bo bo” chicken
4. sizzling rice chitterling
5. Sichuan homestyle “small fry” pork
6. chameleon plant salad
7. zizzling rice beef
8. braised pork

And here’s the glorious lion’s (mane) fish, as taken by David Pierson, lientigre, jewdontknow:

It’s a “julienned” bone in fried carp, dressed in a slightly sweet, spicy, tangy sauce. The whole carp is between 3-4 pounds, and serves four easily. Strands of fish, still attached to the backbone, is individually breaded and carefully fried, to retain the look of a lion’s mane. There is whole fried snapper for two with soba at Tar & Roses at $48 $52, or you can get these beast of a fish fry for only… wait for it… $26. As much as I love Tar & Roses, Chengdu Taste’s labor intensive chic dish it eons and eons above anything coming out of Tar & Roses’ kitchen. Yes, an SGV Chinese restaurant fries better fish than a fancy joint in Santa Monica. Of course you shouldn’t be surprised.

Chengdu Taste Lion Mane Fish

Sizzling Rice Chitlin’:
Chengdu Taste sizzling rice chitterling

The other one I desperately want to try is the Chengdu style bao bao chicken, a riff on the spicy green chili bao bao chicken (poached, marinaded white-cut chicken dressed with a vingeary peppery chili salsa) which is one of my favorites at the restaurant, and one of the most banging bargains at $9 for half a chicken.

So, instead of yelping about a 2-hour wait at Chengdu Taste, I implore you to study up, shut the hell up, and order take-out, or Weibo (Chinese twitter) Chengdu Taste to reserve tables on the weekends. Or, if they deny reservations on the weekends, go on a weekday. Because, really, even in SGV, weekends are reserved for amateurs. You don’t see Miley going to Rao’s on a Friday night, do you? No.

Defending Magic Restroom Cafe’s “Golden Poop”, and Alison Gold’s [I Love] Chinese Food

I had lined up a post about Thai food in America, and the status of Lotus of Siam, but that seems all a bit inopportune now, since Magic Restroom got blown the hell out in the last 36 hours.

O Hai, Times Magazine blog, HuffPo, Gadling, Daily Mail, Laughing Squid, and.. WTF, JEZEBEL???

Some questioned the translation of the menu. Here’s a copy of the menu shot Elizabeth Daniel Photography:

Magic Restroom Cafe Menu

< I'm using this without her permission -- Eliz, if you invoice me, I will take it down, and buy you a proper meal, but not at Magic Restroom Cafe >

The menu items translation in question at Magic Restroom Cafe are: Magic curry rice and stewed pork rice under “Magic Restroom Cafe” column, “noodle with soy bean paste”, “vanilla ice cream” under dessert column.

I translated the items as follows:
Magic curry rice
招牌 Signboard (signature)
黃金 gold (golden)
便便 poop
飯 rice
ie, “golden poop” rice.

Stewed pork rice
便 shit
香 punget
控肉 braised pork
饭 rice
“smells-like-poop” braised pork rice.

Noodle with soy bean
便秘 Constipation
麵 Noodle
Now gone viral as “constipation” (zha jiang mian)

“Vanilla ice cream”
血 bloody
便 shit
二號 number two
which was redundant, because that reads: bloody shit poop, hence it was shortened to “bloody number two” (there’s strawberry and strawberry sauce on the vanilla ice cream). The Chocolate icea cream sundae looked WAY worse.

Eater La Magic Restroom Cafe

I don’t give a flying cowpie the printed English meun is tame. That wouldn’t have gotten the Eater LA post EIGHTEEN THOUSAND facebook likes. The Chinese menu is what it is. I transliterated it, albeit with some creative license, to shock and awe the dingbats across America who don’t know any better. I stand by these translations, I welcome any Taiwaneser to come up with funnier/more interesting, more scatological punnier translations, and wonder why any person with elementary Chinese comprehension would challenge these very basic translations when the Chinese menu is RIGHT THERE. Or are we refusing to recognize other languages in America now? Last I checked, USA’s federally recognized official language is.. nothing.

Regardless, it is my belief not 1% of the those 18,000 people care. And I would like to move on to talk about the fantastic grub that truly representatives LA, instead of this reverse a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shanzhai”>shanzai‘d shtick which may be shut down by Taiwan any time.

============================

Also, Alison Gold’s I Love Chinese Food is NOT the worst thing ever. From a personal encounter with a blond German chick during college — Jennifer Norris, please still call me — a semi-cute tweeny chick, all JUDEO and shit, this the BEST THING TO HAPPEN to Chinese anything, ever. I tried and tried to get down with Ms. Norris for a year. One night, after biochem lecture, I asked if she wanted to grab some Chinese food (at China Gate, natch), and she casually answered: “I don’t like Chinese food, I’d rather have McDonald’s”. Mind you, she said this without a hint of irony (I understand Germans never got “irony“), without a hint of sarcasm. This hussy literally preferred McDonald’s over Chinese food. Granted, this was in the 90s, and in the 90s, college chicks weren’t making school decisions on whether the dorms served foie gras and what not. Still, long-haired Jenn crushed me. I mean, I still wanted to see what a Mid-Western blond chick was all about (in bed), but all my friends knew she was no marriage material.

Now, twenty years laters, this tweeny Alison Gold comes out and declared her love for Chinese food? I’ve waited half of my life for this. Other Chinese pedophiles probably waited a third of their lives for this. And, as a Judeophile, Alison Gold(man?) is the perfect tween to rock this absurd troll music. She’s cute in a uncomfortable, pre-Britney kind of way. Give her five years and she’ll be replacing Miley. Rebecca Black just didn’t do it for the pedos the way Alison is. I’m all for this pre-teen exploitation of a JAP. AWESOME. Please make another video about how much you love Jet Li. I hear we’re about the same height.

Of note, Patrice, the wickedly evil producer, is the bomb. At 0:13, the fake Chinaman used “50 cc” instead of 2 ounces. Patrice, you’re our metric-loving hero.

Tomorrow, I will suggest a few dishes at Chengdu Taste to Alison, who must live in Los Angeles. How can Alison Gold eating Chinese food be a bad thing? Hey Tony, I got your new PR rep for your Chinese restaurant RIGHT HERE. In other news, India Aria has a new video, and it makes me want to peel off my skin and be reborn as an Iranian lesbian.



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