Ammo.
This blurry (seriously? wtf is up with the vibrating burgers?) shot was taken before Chef Julia Wolfson left. (Chef/owner Amy Sweeney has since re-assumed kitchen duties) I read she loves pickling her own whatnots. I like pickled whatnots, especially when it’s along a nice burger:

1/3 lb of funk-free beef, spare use of sharp cheddar, tomato, arugula, slivers of red onion and, of course, brioche buns. The assemblage is nearly perfect, with arugula greens on the bottom, chunks of sharp cheddar atop the patty. Despite the lack of noticeable char, the thick patty, presumably finished off under a salamander, or in an oven, holds itself together nicely. When served medium rare, the patty is perfectly pink with the meaty juice oozing slowly without creating a mess. The bun, tho an airy brioche, offers substantive support like a good sports bra.

At $16, this is the most expensive non-Kobe, non-Wagyu burgers on this hit list, but it is nearly worthy of the price tag as there is no ostensible flaw.

A side note: this burger is served all day, tho the lunch burger is $2 less than dinner and every order comes with delectable shoe string fries.

Ammo

Next, Beacon. Well.. Beacon isn’t EXACTLY in Hollywood but… Culver City does have Sony Studios and that’s kinda… sorta… in the industry.

This was a beautiful beast: “Caramelized Onions, Nueske Bacon, Gruyere, Sweet Soy Glaze” sharing the bill with a half of pound of lean beef. Enclosing all that was a bun akin to focaccia, with green leaf lettuce and a healthy slice of tomato available on the side; all signs pointed to a fusiony Cal burger. Ed’s note: checked with my burger tasting notes (yes, I have tasting notes) to confirm this bun was actually rustic roll from La Brea Bakery

The greatness of this burger lies within the bun. While many hate anything beyond Wonderbread, I’m the guy who always went to The Bowery for the burger-on-muffin experience. Though Bowery’s muffin offends many, the focaccia-esque meat holders should be palatable to most. With this strong carb base, I was able to chillax and not inhale the meat. However, this burger was no perfect thing. The soy glaze killed the flavor of the beef. Caramelized onion swimming in sweet soy turned this into a Hawaiian teri burger. Quite a shame. Next time, the problem shall be ameliorated by requesting “easy on the sauce”.

This monster has been on the lunch menu for many years, but was made available to dinner diners in September of ‘09 by request only. Beacon’s burger, ounce for ounce the most affordable at only $10, is the entry with the most unrealized potential in this round up.

Only previous mention here by Bon Vivant

Beacon

Cafe Was.
Like Umami, The name borders on douchery. Like Umami, the croissanty bun borders idiocy. Unlike Umami, the hearty manly 1/2 lb patty reeks of bloody beef. It was as if someone invented the croissandwhich burger. The flaky pastry bun didn’t last all of 1 minute. As anyone will attest, tho I’m not a glutton, a half pounder lasts all of 2 minutes in front of my mouth. I’m never particularly hungry; it’s all a matter of consistency / cleanliness. The burger should be in my belly before the bun’s soggy, before the bloody water drenches the fries on the table, before the hot patty cooks the arugula.

Even with this typical expeditiousness, Cafe Was’ burger was a pile hot mess by the 4th bite. Major bun failure. But good lord, the ginormous 9 oz sirloin patty had great char, perfect diameter, and was married to crispy thin prosciutto. Topping that whole disaster was a sunny side up quail egg AND brie cheese. It was the best oxymoronic burger but it was just too much. Then you have that $15 bottom-less AYCD champagne brunch and it’s hard for good times not to roll.

Cafe Wa S

BoHo
Niman beef. Brioche bun not too spongy, neutral beef patty. Needs a wee bit of crackling pepper, but had the combo of thin tomato slices with very creamy melty cambazola cheese propping the neutral patty with much needed saltiness. The caramelized onion wasn’t drenched with wine reduction, and the burger really didn’t need the garlic aioli to finish. On Tuesday, this burger is a mere $7 due to BoHo’s 50% off special and would easily rank #1 on the dollar / value ratio charts.

The only misgiving is the missing char crust on the patty which led to a very loose, self destructing assemblage. The high bun-to-patty ratio made it difficult to manipulate the meat. (uhhhhh huhhh.. I said “manipulate the meat”..) It is easy to see why this is a crowd fave. It’s inoffensive, it’s mostly tasty.

Nota bene: I ordered the burger without Thousand Island. All burgers were unmodified except for BoHo. I can’t stand the thought of 1000 Island.

Final surprise, Golden State.
I had zero expectations and with that, came a surprisingly decent burger. Approximately one third pound Niman beef, some fancy white cheddah, crisped thin bacon, and arugula. The patty was substantial, but yet again, I have to complain about porous brioche bun. Too briochey. I had to inhale this baby in 95 seconds as there was simply no way to put down the burger without sopping up all the jus + grease from the medium rare patty. The patty lacked serious char, but was sent to table with a side of aioli (meant for the sweet potato wedges). There was already a thin spread of “housemade” ketchup which yielded some condimental flavoring but things were fine once I bit thru the patty into the arugula. The arugula won me over.

Personal preference: I really love arugula + beef. At $10 including a few wedges of useless yam, this is, on a day to day basis, the go-to burger of the bunch.

The Golden State

What others say:
B+S loves this joint.
Ditto to Eating LA
Ellen’s Restaurants also will return.

Now comes the question: what’s the best? Answer: 1000 words and no clear winner. Or rather, in of this bunch of burger riff raffs, there exist no favorite. I like Ammo for the sophisticated chic, for the tranquil room, for the great fries. I like Beacon for the over-the-top weightiness and excessive soy (hey, soy sauce goes on everything. Cafe Was is just sick because the chef may have been stoned when concocting the concoction. The Golden State has no need to turn out something that good, slathered with housemade condiments, for $10

So what’s the point of this entry? Everything here? Better than Umami. Yes, the haterade pours on.

This is a BULLSHIT burger. I don’t want umami in a burger. I want beef, in between 2 simple slices of buns. Don’t want the buns to look like plump lips, especially when turned into a marketing stamp used to portray corporate presence on the take out bag. When I see 2 lips parted, there better be hot honey in between, not a thin slab of tasteless meat.

2 months ago, I found umami gold in the Las Vegas izakaya shack strip mall establishment they call Raku. Those Japanese chefs triple boiled & filtered bonito + kelp, turned it into some of the FINEST gdamn dashi, then used the stock in agedashi. T’was possibly the best dashi I’ll ever have on this side of the Pacific. Drinking that soup made my eyelids flutter and my spine tingle. In April, we visited a burger box where some smart aleck Americans shouted “eureka” at the discovery of the 5th favor in burgers.

Let’s all call bullshit.

In the last 2 years, I’ve stalked burgers from skinny to thick, from Covina to Compton. Never was I so offended by a burger experience as that day. Other places have mangled spectacularly (Taste’s kobe, what a waste of bovine life), some were beyond mediocre (a Yelp-touted joint in Rowland Heights I don’t even want to remember). None tho, pretended to serve food from such a high falutin’ pedestal. If a restaurant predicts clientele’s tongues will taste deep “Japanese” flavor never to be found before in this particular American product, they better deliver, of suffer the wrath.

It’s easy to see through emperor’s new clothes: throw on truffles oil, throw on shittake mushrooms (a quintessential “umami” ingredient”), use “umami ketchup” – while I do not know the “secret” ingredient, safe to assume soy sauce, MSG, dashi stock, etc – add stank cheese. Nary a person comments on the beef. Through the Stilton cheese, I tasted zilch beef in the thinnish overcooked patty.

And yes , these acerbic words cover the triple pork. If I want pulled pork sammie, I’d go to a BBQ shack. If I want a huge loaf of brioche I’ll go to Breadbar. If I want seafood on bread, I’ll go to .. nevermind, I don’t want seafood on bread. Screw the scallop burger. Why serve scallop on buns? Cuz one can’t cook a proper scallop. Why scallop in a burger restaurant? Cuz the burger joint can’t find umami. Let’s not play games. We’re in a recession. 25 Degrees burger & Guiness milkshake FTMFW. Keep your damn $4 ding dongs.

Will never return.

But others love this place:
Alli411 says “it’s so good”.
B+S loves the burger.
Domain 547 declares it clear winner over Wurstkuche.
Foodinista’s early report says “the burgers are great”.
Gourmet Pigs call it savory and full of flavor.
Pleasure Palate loves the burger.
Oiishi’s beautiful pix shows burger looking like.. well.. decaying cow, but still loves the burger.
Mikey Hates Everything didn’t LOVE this place, but still declares it tasty.
Dining on Deals had a “wonderfully delicious evening”.

FINALLY, some who agrees: Infinite Fress team thinks Umami is some kind of disease and would like their calories back.

Umami Burger
Somewhere in Mid Wilshire

Via inbox:

Yo, Tony, I think it’s time for “Crap I like, Part 2.” I’m
getting tired of opening your blog page every day, only to read about
Thang Long once again.

F ME. Twitter owns me. Sorry lah!

In the mean time, check out wtf we’re eating everyday, NOT that anyone cares.

Also check out Eating LA’s new list of LA Food Twitter’s blogspot post: here

To come in the next 2 weeks: Hot Mess Saturdays aka, Saturdays with Tony, the Monstrous W. San Gabriel March/April update, brunch @ Campanile, Birfday @ Zig, Birfday @ Katsu NOT KATSU-YA you fool!, the epic Church & State dinner from March, Thoughts on the 33 people, 15+ course Jitlada shenanigans, and finally, why Umami is total SHAT